Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
