I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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