remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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