Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
