I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
