i don't plan on having that self control this summer
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
where are my eyebrows?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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