Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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