you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
