I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
