she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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