rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
