I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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