I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
