I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
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We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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