we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
