paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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