I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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