This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
