Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
