I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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