I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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