I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
