I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
