If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
