started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
