My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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