I'm eating all of the evidence.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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