Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
