hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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