fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
