I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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