Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
