I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
