I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
