Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
