is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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