Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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