I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
