The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
