I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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