it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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