When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
