She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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