My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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