the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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