Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
my god I love twenty year old dicks
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
