Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
