If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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