He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
