My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
