In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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