Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
