this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
