She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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