My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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