I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
